Darkeagle
17th November 2008, 09:00 PM
Found this thought i would share it:
Since independence of your country was attained back in the 18th century, you have proven to the rest of the world time and time again that you simply cannot run your nation responsibly. Clearly none of you have the mental capacity to aid in the running of such a nation, and that is why your country is being reintegrated into the British Empire, effective as of today. The following are the rules I shall now impose on your morbidly obese nation.
1. First of all, the country’s name will be changed. People have heard the name “America” so many times, and frankly we’re all sick of it. Fucktardia sounds far more appropriate. All Americans shall now be called fucktards. (Although for this list, we will refer to it as America, to avoid confusion.)
2. Your army will be trained by the British army exclusively, and shall be trained for longer periods, simply because your current army is quite frankly cack. Any army with such large numbers of friendly fire incidents obviously can’t be trusted to train themselves. No “R and R” time shall be awarded to any member of the US armed forces because we don’t feel that you deserve it yet.
3. All US politicians shall form an orderly line outside Buckingham Palace, where they will all be royally bitchslapped by the Queen.
4. You will all stop raping our language. All schools will change to incorporate the actual language, rather than its bastard son that you’ve all adopted. Colour will be spelt properly, with the “u”, and the same goes for all other words you’ve managed to get wrong. Schools will try their best to increase your range of vocabulary, as re-using the same 30 words interspersed with “like” and “you know” doesn’t count as a proper conversation.
5. Compulsory evening classes will be introduced to get rid of that irritating nasally accent you all have.
6. Police have the right to taser someone in the chest if they refer to the English language as “American”.
7. Baseball will not have a “World Series” anymore, simply because it isn’t a world series. Also, baseball will renamed merged into rounders and phased out as the proper and true sport of cricket is phased in as the national pastime.
8. All sports will be given their real names back. Everyone outside of America is fed up of rugby being referred to as “football”, as it barely involves use of the foot. Effective immediately, baseball will be changed back to rounders, American football will be changed back to rugby, soccer will be changed back to football, and basketball will be changed back to netball.
9. Anyone heard saying something along the lines of “America is the best country ever” will be handed a copy of World History. Repeat offenders will be forced to stand in the middle of a room, surrounded by 100 Europeans, Australians and Japanese hired to point and laugh at them. Third time offenders will be hanged. No exceptions.
10. In The Oxford English Dictionary, the example given for the word oxymoron shall be “American patriot”.
11. Anyone found celebrating the 4th of July shall be permanently renamed “Retard”. As many people will probably be celebrating this day out of habit, you will be assigned a number, e.g. “Retard 1”, “Retard 2”, and so on.
12. The channel ABC1 shall be removed from British television. Apart from Scrubs, all comedies shown on there are about as funny as a genocide, and are physically painful to watch. All records of its existence shall be expunged.
13. Anyone found disrespecting or mocking Britain shall be conscripted into Project Meningsløs, which aims to build a bridge between the UK and US. This bridge is expected to take up to 500 years to build successfully and shall be utterly pointless, for as soon as the bridge is finished it will be promptly destroyed to stop the retards from immigrating the UK. So behave.
14. As of the 1st of January 2009, it will be legal to shoot rednecks after midnight.
15. All chavs anywhere in the world will be deported into the city of Los Angeles. It’s full of pricks anyway, so you won’t notice any difference.
16. A large pit shall be dug somewhere in Arizona, and all conspiracy theorists shall be thrown into it. On the odd occasion, a pack of lions shall be introduced to the pit for the entertainment of the Empire.
17. Someone from America will be appointed to explain to the rest of the world what the hell a S’more is, as no-one seems to know.
18. All Americans will be trained to accept the truth that America has not invented anything of value yet. The plane, the TV, the radio, the car, the lightbulb, and the computer were NOT American inventions, and most if not all are British inventions. The only American invention worth noting is condensed milk, and anyone in denial of these facts will be subject to flogging and forced to consume the wretched condensed milk.
19. Guns will be more difficult to obtain. My motto is “if you’re not sensible enough to own something, then that something should be taken away”. Therefore, all gun licences shall be revoked.
20. To cut down on rates of obesity, every 5th fast-food meal will contain cyanide.
21. Use of the incorrect statements “we kicked your ass in the revolutionary war” and “we saved your ass in the Second World War” will be made illegal. In the revolutionary war, the superpowers France, Holland, Spain and Germany declared war on us, and as we were fighting stronger opponents all around the world, we only had a small 3rd rate army in your country. You were armed, funded and reinforced by the French, and due to more urgent matters than your silly little rebellion we eventually left. You did not “kick our ass”. As for World War 2, we had already won the Battle of Britain against overwhelming odds before you actually entered the war, and the invasion of Britain had been completely abandoned. You did not “save our ass”. You will come to accept this. Every time you deny these truths, we will take one of your fat limbs.
22. Anyone heard shouting “Yeehaw!” will be crucified, crown of thorns and all.
23. If Americans have the lack of sense to ask Europeans questions like “do you have TV over there?” and “I have a friend in London/Paris/Berlin, do you know him?”, then they shouldn’t have the privilege of talking to Europeans.
24. No, I do not know the Queen. Stop asking me that or I’ll relieve you of your vital organs.
25. You will all stop trying to capitalise off of the legal system. If you do something stupid such as buy contraceptive jelly and eat it on toast, only to find out it didn’t work, it is quite blatantly your fault you got pregnant. If you lose your fingers because you tried to stop a chainsaw from moving with your hand, it’s your fault, whether it warned against it in the manual or not. Just because you made a right tit of yourself, it doesn’t mean you should be paid for it.
26. Since you have managed to vote for a president with an IQ comparable to that of a mattress, monkeys shall permanently rule the White House. You won’t notice any difference, and it removes the shame of you voting in a complete turd again.
27. All Scientologists will be force-fed rusty spoons. Seeing as they believe they are descended from aliens they will be exiled to Pluto, and human rights laws do not apply.
28. You will deport Paris Hilton to the UK. She’s annoying enough to make Ghandi scratch out a nun’s eyes, so we will gladly hang her from Big Ben. In return, you can have James Blunt. You can do whatever you want with him, so long as it's painful.
29. All journeys under 500 meters must be walked. failure to comply with this rule will result in instant confiscation of the offenders genitals.
30. You shall invent your own bloody food that doesn't make the rest of the world retch. By the way just so you know, America didn't invent pizza, burgers, pancakes, cake, ice cream, chocolate, frankfurts or chips (although dumb yanks call them french fries for some mystical reason).
31. You shall repeat "Just because I am so obscenely stupid as to call chips 'french fries' does not mean that they come from France" 20 times every morning and night.
32. Everyone shall learn where the countries that they voted to destroy are.
33. Police are hereby allowed to use any person found with a cowboy hat as targets.
34. Anyone who asks where "Hogwarts" is will be sentenced to the electric chair.
35. Stop making crappy cars like Buicks and Cadillacs and the like. However, Land Rovers, Triumphs, Bristols, Jaguars and TVR's are acceptable.
36. Most European cars are also acceptable (barring French ones, they're just as bad)
37. As we have created you and are thus the rightful owners, you owe us roughly 224 years of back taxes. That's £1,651,887,941,587,181.80 or $3,367,694,729,133,314.09. No, we won't accept an IOU, China's still waiting for their money after you gave them that.
Due to your misplaced and frankly quite humourous pride, it is likely that I will get many emails regarding the inferiority of Britain. Well, hurry up and send them, I like a good laugh at ignorance. If you wish your email to be read, then include in the email subject “I’m so fat I have to wear elastic-topped jeans”, and send them to britainisthebestcountryever AT hotmail DOT co DOT uk."
Since independence of your country was attained back in the 18th century, you have proven to the rest of the world time and time again that you simply cannot run your nation responsibly. Clearly none of you have the mental capacity to aid in the running of such a nation, and that is why your country is being reintegrated into the British Empire, effective as of today. The following are the rules I shall now impose on your morbidly obese nation.
1. First of all, the country’s name will be changed. People have heard the name “America” so many times, and frankly we’re all sick of it. Fucktardia sounds far more appropriate. All Americans shall now be called fucktards. (Although for this list, we will refer to it as America, to avoid confusion.)
2. Your army will be trained by the British army exclusively, and shall be trained for longer periods, simply because your current army is quite frankly cack. Any army with such large numbers of friendly fire incidents obviously can’t be trusted to train themselves. No “R and R” time shall be awarded to any member of the US armed forces because we don’t feel that you deserve it yet.
3. All US politicians shall form an orderly line outside Buckingham Palace, where they will all be royally bitchslapped by the Queen.
4. You will all stop raping our language. All schools will change to incorporate the actual language, rather than its bastard son that you’ve all adopted. Colour will be spelt properly, with the “u”, and the same goes for all other words you’ve managed to get wrong. Schools will try their best to increase your range of vocabulary, as re-using the same 30 words interspersed with “like” and “you know” doesn’t count as a proper conversation.
5. Compulsory evening classes will be introduced to get rid of that irritating nasally accent you all have.
6. Police have the right to taser someone in the chest if they refer to the English language as “American”.
7. Baseball will not have a “World Series” anymore, simply because it isn’t a world series. Also, baseball will renamed merged into rounders and phased out as the proper and true sport of cricket is phased in as the national pastime.
8. All sports will be given their real names back. Everyone outside of America is fed up of rugby being referred to as “football”, as it barely involves use of the foot. Effective immediately, baseball will be changed back to rounders, American football will be changed back to rugby, soccer will be changed back to football, and basketball will be changed back to netball.
9. Anyone heard saying something along the lines of “America is the best country ever” will be handed a copy of World History. Repeat offenders will be forced to stand in the middle of a room, surrounded by 100 Europeans, Australians and Japanese hired to point and laugh at them. Third time offenders will be hanged. No exceptions.
10. In The Oxford English Dictionary, the example given for the word oxymoron shall be “American patriot”.
11. Anyone found celebrating the 4th of July shall be permanently renamed “Retard”. As many people will probably be celebrating this day out of habit, you will be assigned a number, e.g. “Retard 1”, “Retard 2”, and so on.
12. The channel ABC1 shall be removed from British television. Apart from Scrubs, all comedies shown on there are about as funny as a genocide, and are physically painful to watch. All records of its existence shall be expunged.
13. Anyone found disrespecting or mocking Britain shall be conscripted into Project Meningsløs, which aims to build a bridge between the UK and US. This bridge is expected to take up to 500 years to build successfully and shall be utterly pointless, for as soon as the bridge is finished it will be promptly destroyed to stop the retards from immigrating the UK. So behave.
14. As of the 1st of January 2009, it will be legal to shoot rednecks after midnight.
15. All chavs anywhere in the world will be deported into the city of Los Angeles. It’s full of pricks anyway, so you won’t notice any difference.
16. A large pit shall be dug somewhere in Arizona, and all conspiracy theorists shall be thrown into it. On the odd occasion, a pack of lions shall be introduced to the pit for the entertainment of the Empire.
17. Someone from America will be appointed to explain to the rest of the world what the hell a S’more is, as no-one seems to know.
18. All Americans will be trained to accept the truth that America has not invented anything of value yet. The plane, the TV, the radio, the car, the lightbulb, and the computer were NOT American inventions, and most if not all are British inventions. The only American invention worth noting is condensed milk, and anyone in denial of these facts will be subject to flogging and forced to consume the wretched condensed milk.
19. Guns will be more difficult to obtain. My motto is “if you’re not sensible enough to own something, then that something should be taken away”. Therefore, all gun licences shall be revoked.
20. To cut down on rates of obesity, every 5th fast-food meal will contain cyanide.
21. Use of the incorrect statements “we kicked your ass in the revolutionary war” and “we saved your ass in the Second World War” will be made illegal. In the revolutionary war, the superpowers France, Holland, Spain and Germany declared war on us, and as we were fighting stronger opponents all around the world, we only had a small 3rd rate army in your country. You were armed, funded and reinforced by the French, and due to more urgent matters than your silly little rebellion we eventually left. You did not “kick our ass”. As for World War 2, we had already won the Battle of Britain against overwhelming odds before you actually entered the war, and the invasion of Britain had been completely abandoned. You did not “save our ass”. You will come to accept this. Every time you deny these truths, we will take one of your fat limbs.
22. Anyone heard shouting “Yeehaw!” will be crucified, crown of thorns and all.
23. If Americans have the lack of sense to ask Europeans questions like “do you have TV over there?” and “I have a friend in London/Paris/Berlin, do you know him?”, then they shouldn’t have the privilege of talking to Europeans.
24. No, I do not know the Queen. Stop asking me that or I’ll relieve you of your vital organs.
25. You will all stop trying to capitalise off of the legal system. If you do something stupid such as buy contraceptive jelly and eat it on toast, only to find out it didn’t work, it is quite blatantly your fault you got pregnant. If you lose your fingers because you tried to stop a chainsaw from moving with your hand, it’s your fault, whether it warned against it in the manual or not. Just because you made a right tit of yourself, it doesn’t mean you should be paid for it.
26. Since you have managed to vote for a president with an IQ comparable to that of a mattress, monkeys shall permanently rule the White House. You won’t notice any difference, and it removes the shame of you voting in a complete turd again.
27. All Scientologists will be force-fed rusty spoons. Seeing as they believe they are descended from aliens they will be exiled to Pluto, and human rights laws do not apply.
28. You will deport Paris Hilton to the UK. She’s annoying enough to make Ghandi scratch out a nun’s eyes, so we will gladly hang her from Big Ben. In return, you can have James Blunt. You can do whatever you want with him, so long as it's painful.
29. All journeys under 500 meters must be walked. failure to comply with this rule will result in instant confiscation of the offenders genitals.
30. You shall invent your own bloody food that doesn't make the rest of the world retch. By the way just so you know, America didn't invent pizza, burgers, pancakes, cake, ice cream, chocolate, frankfurts or chips (although dumb yanks call them french fries for some mystical reason).
31. You shall repeat "Just because I am so obscenely stupid as to call chips 'french fries' does not mean that they come from France" 20 times every morning and night.
32. Everyone shall learn where the countries that they voted to destroy are.
33. Police are hereby allowed to use any person found with a cowboy hat as targets.
34. Anyone who asks where "Hogwarts" is will be sentenced to the electric chair.
35. Stop making crappy cars like Buicks and Cadillacs and the like. However, Land Rovers, Triumphs, Bristols, Jaguars and TVR's are acceptable.
36. Most European cars are also acceptable (barring French ones, they're just as bad)
37. As we have created you and are thus the rightful owners, you owe us roughly 224 years of back taxes. That's £1,651,887,941,587,181.80 or $3,367,694,729,133,314.09. No, we won't accept an IOU, China's still waiting for their money after you gave them that.
Due to your misplaced and frankly quite humourous pride, it is likely that I will get many emails regarding the inferiority of Britain. Well, hurry up and send them, I like a good laugh at ignorance. If you wish your email to be read, then include in the email subject “I’m so fat I have to wear elastic-topped jeans”, and send them to britainisthebestcountryever AT hotmail DOT co DOT uk."