Jokes

[Chazlene]

Two men are at the same hole on a golf course, they haven't met before, so are greeting each other. One of the men says to the other: 'So, what job do you have?'
The second man replies saying: 'Ah, well I'm a hitman, it's £1000 for a job, I've actually got my sniper rifle with me here.' The second man pulls out his Sniper Rifle from his golf bag and lets the first man hold it and look down the scope, who says: 'Wow! I can see all the way to my house with this, and through my bedroom window, where my wife is naked...with the gardener...'
Naturally the first man is really pissed off, so he asks the hitman to shoot his with and the gardener. 'Shoot my wife in the mouth.' He says, 'because she is always nagging at me, and shoot the damn gardener in the bollocks, because he's having sex with my wife!'
The hitman takes aim with his rifle, looks down the scope and says: 'You know, if I fired now I could save you £1000.'

[Hutch]

What's red and scratches at the glass before it explodes?

A baby in a microwave

Why does Michael Jackson never win the Grand Prix?

He's always comeing in a little behind

Whats red and covered in newspaper?

Abortion of chips

A man buys his wonderful wife a nice 4 door car. She decides to take her two kids on a school run with her new car. The car swerves slightly as she goes round a corner on the country road but she doesn't take any notice of it. As she turns round the next corner the car swerves again but this time into the path of an articulated lorry BAM!
The woman wakes up in hospital. There is a doctor standing over her.
"Don't worry you are ok, you've been in a coma but there are no signs of brain damage" says the doctor.
"But what about my kids?" asks the woman. "My son is a great footballer he could have played for england and my daughter she was amazing at tennis."
"Shame!" said the doctor "Your daughter lost both her arms and your son both his legs." After some crying the woman asked what the date was.
The doctor replied "April 1st 2006".
The woman says " So it was just a joke?" suddenly feeling relieved.
"Oh Yes" Said the doctor, "They were both of course killed on Impact, I thought you knew".

[VoX]

Two men are at the same hole on a golf course, they haven't met before, so are greeting each other. One of the men says to the other: 'So, what job do you have?'
The second man replies saying: 'Ah, well I'm a hitman, it's £1000 for a job, I've actually got my sniper rifle with me here.' The second man pulls out his Sniper Rifle from his golf bag and lets the first man hold it and look down the scope, who says: 'Wow! I can see all the way to my house with this, and through my bedroom window, where my wife is naked...with the gardener...'
Naturally the first man is really pissed off, so he asks the hitman to shoot his with and the gardener. 'Shoot my wife in the mouth.' He says, 'because she is always nagging at me, and shoot the damn gardener in the bollocks, because he's having sex with my wife!'
The hitman takes aim with his rifle, looks down the scope and says: 'You know, if I fired now I could save you £1000.'

lol it remids me of a birthday card
1 guy says to other while motioning to a contraption "whats that?"
he is told its 1 of them new ball cleaners
u open the page to see him washing his balls in it and complaining that there is no screen round it